A Pickle for the Hatty Ones
(Or, Punctuation Lost)
Author’s note: We all know how important punctuation is to understanding a text. Many of you might also know that the rules of punctuation were not homogenized (just like spelling and capitalization) for a very long time. The first usage and meaning of commas, semicolons, and colons was based on musical notation. Comma = quarter rest, semicolon = half rest, colon = full rest. See more about this from the Paris Review.
My very favorite example of early punctuation and literary criticism is the 1797 masterpiece of Timothy Dexter. “A Pickle for the Knowing Ones [includes] a supplemental page of full stops, commas, and exclamation points: ‘Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops’, explains the author. ‘I put A nuf here and thay may peper and solt as they please.’” So in honor of this work, please enjoy my story of A Pickle of the Hatty Ones. Punctuation included at the end for you to fill in as you please.
No Animals were hurt in the writing of this tale All taxidermy mentioned is indeed just Facsimiles of the Real Thing Ms Philomena Birdwhistle wasnt quite sure what had Happened She supposed she might have had one too many sherries last night at Ms Henrietta Gotobeds dinner party This morning her Alarm had gone off and startled her so much that she had fallen out of bed onto her favorite hat And now she was sitting forlornly in her breakfast room staring the feathers crushed and broken the Faux taxidermy squirrel smooshed the lace and mesh veil torn the brim bent and the bows untied After drinking her Coffee and having a Good Cry she decided to see if the milliner could repair it although she presumed it would not be possible She put on her second Best hat an olive green felt top hat with a fuchsia bow Atop the hat Perched Precariously a Popinjay Partook of a Platter of Popcorn When she arrived at the milliner she sadly destroyed the hat held in its hatbox she saw Ms Gotobed was there as well Why hello dear she greeted her friend What brings you here Ms Gotobed was shock wearing no hat at all And Ms Birdwhistle tried her very hardest not to stare Hello dear Ms Gotobed sighed I was hoping that Hattie could Repair the Damage to my hats Damage Hats Yes Hats Plural hats Multiple hats All the hats What happened to your hats my dear The idea of one Crushed hat had sent Ms Birdwhistle into a Tizzy she could not fathom functioning if something had happened to all her hats It was Petunia Im afraid Ms Gotobed explained She got into the hat room last night after the party Oh dear Gasped Ms Birdwhistle Although privately she thought that it had always been unwise of Ms Gotobed to have a taxidermy bird theme for all her hats and then Rescue a Cat who was known as a notorious songbird murderer Yes Ms Gotobed nodded Petunia ate them all Lets go hunting Henrietta Petunia wont eat your hats if they are bereft of birds Shall we And so the ladies looked at hats and discussed New Themes What about geology Petunia wont want to eat rocks and crystals
“”“”“”“”“”“”!!‽!!“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”
,,,,,,,,,,’’’))!!::— - - —::!!((’’’,,,,,,,,,,
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(Punctuationed)
(No animals were hurt in the writing of this tale. All taxidermy mentioned is, indeed, just facsimiles of the real thing.)
Ms. Philomena Birdwhistle wasn’t quite sure what had happened. She supposed she might have had one too many sherries last night at Ms. Henrietta Gotobed’s dinner party. This morning her alarm had gone off and startled her so much that she had fallen out of bed onto her favorite hat! And now she was sitting forlornly in her breakfast room staring: the feathers, crushed and broken; the faux-taxidermy squirrel, smooshed; the lace and mesh veil, torn; the brim, bent; and the bows, untied.
After drinking her coffee and having a good cry, she decided to see if the milliner could repair it (although she presumed it would not be possible). She put on her second-best hat: an olive green felt top hat with a fuchsia bow. Atop the hat, perched precariously, a popinjay partook of a platter of popcorn.
When she arrived at the milliner, she sadly destroyed the hat held in its hatbox, she saw Ms. Gotobed was there as well. “Why hello dear,” she greeted her friend. “What brings you here?”
Ms. Gotobed was—shock—wearing no hat at all! And Ms. Birdwhistle tried her very hardest not to stare. “Hello dear,” Ms. Gotobed sighed. “I was hoping that Hattie could repair the damage to my hats.”
“Damage? Hats‽”
“Yes. Hats. Plural hats. Multiple hats. All the hats.”
“What happened to your hats, my dear?” The idea of one crushed hat had sent Ms. Birdwhistle into a tizzy, she could not fathom functioning if something had happened to all her hats!
“It was Petunia, I’m afraid,” Ms. Gotobed explained. “She got into the hat room last night after the party…”
“Oh dear!” gasped Ms. Birdwhistle. Although privately she thought that it had always been unwise of Ms. Gotobed to have a taxidermy bird theme for all her hats and then rescue a cat who was known as a notorious songbird murderer.
“Yes,” Ms. Gotobed nodded. “Petunia ate them all.”
“Let’s go hunting, Henrietta. Petunia won’t eat your hats if they are bereft of birds. Shall we?”
And so the ladies looked at hats and discussed new themes: “What about geology? Petunia won’t want to eat rocks and crystals!”
